15 Things I Didn’t Know Before My Apprenticeship

1. Any mom van you see cruising around town could be an incognito corpse chariot. 

2. Most families are estranged.

3. Hearses have the softest seats. 

4. Once your brain has registered decomp, you smell it everywhere. For no reason. Like when you eat salsa.

5. Non-CSI morgues look exactly like municipal buildings that store snow plows.

6. Elevating a head can draw out a moan.

7. The bodies of deceased Muslim women cannot be touched by male funeral directors.

8. The saddest personal effects are festively wrapped Christmas gifts.

9. Some pinup tattoos include full bush.

10. Families who offer to carry, lift, and move their dead are *chef’s kiss.*

11. Pacemakers removed prior to cremation must be individually shipped back to their manufacturer. 

12. There is a special stitch to slim down a neck for a too-small dress shirt. (But, just buy a different shirt??)

13. No one looks like they are *sleeping* when they are dead. That’s the funeral home doing its thing.

14. People love when you blast special requests for their dead loved ones on the drive to the funeral home. (So. Much. AC/DC.)

15. Crims on TV make moving bodies a lot harder than it needs to be – just get some sheets, wrap and pull, bro.